Mom, I know you’re there. Date: 2008-03-11, 4:38PM CDT
Mom, I know you’re out there, reading this.
How do I know you’re out there?
Let’s begin with that ad of mine that you recently responded to, shall we? You know the one I’m talking about. It was entitled, “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?—m4w–22” That ad ran for three days before I got a response, and I can’t tell you, Mom, how my heart fell when I saw the photo that accompanied the response. It was your Realtor’s headshot, the one on your business card. Even worse was the text of your response. I’m so, so sorry I know now what you’d do to me if we ever “hooked up.” On the other hand, Dad must’ve been a very, very lucky guy back in the day. I dunno, maybe he still is.
I guess, Mom, when I think a bit about it, that I should resign myself to whatever it is that you are doing. After all, you’re an adult and I’m an adult. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life.
But Mom, I’d like to raise a few points.
The first point I’d like to raise is that you’re still married to Dad. Please, please PLEASE tell me that you have his blessing. My mind is reeling now, hoping that you’re not the people who posted “Fun Couple Looking For Others—MW4MW—57” I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that it is you. Now that I know you’re cruising CE, I suspect that there aren’t too many other 57 year old swingers from the Westlake area posting on Craigslist.
The second point I’d like to raise is that you owe it to whoever you’re trying to hook up with to be honest. I mean, I lived with you and Dad for 18 years. You’re not that fun.
Finally, I’d like you to stop responding to my “College Stud Needs a MILF—m4w—22” ads. The only one who should find you to be MILF-y at all is Dad. For me, you are just an “M”. Got it?
PS. I’m going to swing by at around 7-7:30-ish to do a load of wash, is that okay? I tried to call you at the office, but they kept telling me that you’re busy.
Today I move to a new home. If living is seeing, I’m holding my breath. A new world, a new day to see. As I walk into this mysterious path I can only hope will be fruitful, I can truly say I’m excited. I know this road, I’ve never seen it before, but I know what lies behind unopened doors.
Today I realize that I’ve made an impact on more people than I had ever before thought possible. I’ve changed lives and touched souls. I’ve fought monsters and seen the devil’s eyes. I know that I will do much more and I will love it all.
Today I feel a whirlwind of emotions. Sadness of leaving. Anger over the missing things. Excitment for all the new sights and sounds. Happiness for what’s ahead. I know that I’ll never be the same after this, and I kinda like that.